ladies read the first part only.....men all of it

This is a mail joke i received.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.” The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading….

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

The search for greatness

We as a country have many resources,but we cant exploit them without the owners of the dollars helping us. We have developed a culture that tells us that we don't have the capacity to exploit our own resources. We have a great human capacity to achieve all the things that would make a Kenya we all want. I have come to the best educated guess conclusion that we don't do anything to achieve our dreams.We wait for Ocampo to decide the dates by when we should have a working system to punish evil people who we know,we let Annan to hold the list for us..list of our leaders and our kinsmen who organised and funded the atrocity that nearly killed kenya.We know the right drugs,dosage and the right route of giving them and the right persons to give the drugs. We know what needs to be done to heal our country..we know who to hang and who to reward..yes we do.We know all there is to know.Yet we are unwilling to do anything at all.We could wait for the formation of a local tribunal,or we could wait for the ICC.Or we could take the initiative and sue the perpetrators just here in Kenya..take them to court,deny them bond or bail, whichever for at least an year.they would lose their parliamentary seats,ministerial posts and such. We could at least demonstrate the will to heal Kenya and seem to do justice.We could wait till our leaders decide the right time for the implementation of the fourth agenda or we could implement it today. For greatness to be achieved,sacrifices must be made.We must pay the price of greatness.Every great person,as those mentioned in my earlier post,paid the ultimate price.They did benefit directly but at great cost to themselves. Each lost something, to gain something greater. The greater thing they Got didn't serve them alone,it served entire communities and continues to. As Kenya we must therefore be willing to lose the current crop of leaders for a better Kenya,we must put Kenya first and our tribesmen lower...we must look beyond the election,we must see the future.I am starting to think that Kenya is country populated by cowards....or we are unable to move forward. We know the mau must be saved,but we keep dillydallying...we know post election violence perpetrators must be punished but we have no will to do so.We will not move forward if we never act.The impotence shown by kenyans fuels our politicians disregard for the rest of kenyans..only worrying about their political survival and not of Kenya. Kenyans are dying of hunger and thirst,rains are failing,power generators are closing down,HIV ravages us,Malaria kills with impunity,insecurity is spiralling..yet we are all mum...quiet as if nothing is happening..our ministers refuse to use the cars given by the ministry,price of Unga goes unchecked...more kenyans lose jobs,more kenyans look for jobs. When if ever will kenyans wake up to the reality?when will kenyans ask for justice?when will we stop closing our eyes to obvious problems with obvious solutions?and when Will we act?Or do we have to always wait for our neighbours..friendly or not force us to act? Or when Obama piles pressure....would someone please enlighten me.
Kenya prides itself on its greatness....we claim we have the best hospitals,but we export money to south Africa and India for things that can be done here in kenya.Bypass heart surgeries are routine procedures. Why couldn't it be done here?we have qualified cardiologists and surgeons..What if as my friend asked,there was a law barring public servants from seeking medical services elsewhere apart from public hospitals? His conclusion was that the hospitals would be better equipped,serving all kenyans.What if the politicians had to educate their children here?our education system would be reformed.We have to make sure we buy from kenya to build it... in our search for greatness as when searching for personal greatness,must be pursued without sparing any effort. We must lose sleep,go hungry today,so we can sleep on a soft bed tomorrow, so we can have full bellies tomorrow. I am angry,and i might never stop ranting and preaching....among the quotes,someone says that people want to be amused,entertained..not preached to..so Am off to make myself great,whatever the cost....sorry i am preaching to myself.

interesting

joekanja.blogspot.com

THANK YOU FATHER.

This is more of thanks giving prayer to my Father up there and all over. I thank you for deciding to let me live in an era full of greats,an era of great occurrences. Thank you.
For putting me here on earth when you did,thank you for my childhood...i enjoyed it,
thank you for all the following:
My life and the blessings you have given me all along,and many others that await me along my life...thank you for i will live to see ninety.. thank you for my family..they are the best although at times...
For making my time one of the greatest.Thank you for making my friends live at the same time as me..thank you for those special people you put in my life.....thanks.

God did me a favour.I have lived and witnessed many great things....I was when Mandela was released, i was when he became president, i was when he stepped down...he is a great man.
I have seen racism suffer a great deal....i have seen attitudes and cultures of long duration challenged....i have seen the first black in white house...Obama.
I have seen that tribalism is a weapon the politicians will never let go...I have seen that kenya is Vulnerable to war as somalia...there is nothing as an island of peace.
I have seen mugabe reposess land to give it to the rightful owners...and i have seen his folly and the sabotage of the west.
I have seen that climate change is real....the clear stream at home no longer flows.the weather has changed.My home no longer receives thunder storms,nor hail storms...we called it maize rain....i have seen it change.please people get out of Mau and plant trees.
I have been living at a time with a musical genius, gifted choreographer and lyricist and many more...MJ....thank you and rest in peace.
I have lived to Hear Nyerere...his ideology and the legacy he left.he was brilliant.
I have lived to see how power hungry and unpatriotic our leaders are.
I have seen the church lose direction,i have seen jesus become a symbol of wealth.
I have witnessed Egypt frighten Brazil, i have seen USA beat fancied Spain.I have seen football greats like zidane,Ronandinho, essien,Abedi pele,Kanu,gerrald,Etoo..My My .....Egypt beat Italy, kenya hold nigeria and cameroon.....Keny sevens rugby team win and win...
I have lived in shattering of stereotypes...i have seen blacks take over almost evereything...they are pervasive...MJ,Obama,magic johnson,mike tyson,whitney huoston,lewis hamilton,tiger woods...and many more...
I am living in an era that shall be remembered...the era of the internet and blog friends,of the computer,mobile phones,satellite tv...where communication is easy....
I have lived to watch eric wainaina,Achieng abura...i lived when culture(joseph hill) , lucky dube,chaka chaka ,san fan tomas,..among many...
I have lived to read Robert Ludlum,Ngugi wa thiongo, charles dickens,st Augustine of Hippo, wilbur smith,and many others....
I have watched martin lawrence,will smith,kajairo,chris rock,jackie chan...etc
I am living and will continue living in a time of great technological strides, in a time of the Greatest world pandemic....HIV...i will live to see it beaten..
I cant thank you enuff lord, Nor fit all those things that make me grateful to you here...I really hope you Blog dear lord...I pray you walk with me at all times.....bear with poor praying habits,the unconvetional ways in which i call unto you..you have always listened...and granted. Since you can read my thots , and you already know what i want and need..please continue giving them to me..

THANKS GOD,YOU MAKE MY WORLD ROCK,MAKE KNOW AM NOT ALONE,LIVE AND NOT STOP TILL I GET ENUFF,EVEN THOUGH I HAVENT HAD A BILLIE JEAN(MAY BE I DID),YOU MAKE ME BELIEVE WE ARE THE WORLD,MAKE ME WANT TO HEAL THE WORLD AND TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE THERE. NO MATTER WHAT.
DEAR LORD, YOU TOOK MJ...BECAUSE YOU MADE HIM. i MUST SAY THAT YOU MUST BE THE GREATEST...HOW DO YOU PUT ALL THAT TALENT IN ONE PERSON?HOW THEN YOU HUMBLE THEM,REMIND THEM THEY ARE YOUR SUBJECTS...OF YOUR GREATNESS. THANK YOU FOR MAKING MJ...THANK YOU FOR MY LIFE....THANKS ,,..THANKS.....PRAISE BE UNTO YOU....BLESSINGS UNTO ME......THANK YOU,AND GRANT ME ALL I NEED AND WANT....THANKS.

Rejected in Heaven, rejected in hell

This story was told to me by a friend,a friend who went to a catholic seminary and refused to be ordained a priest. He is now a principal natural human inseminator in kenya.
There was this young man who decided to remain celibate while alive. he stayed so in the hope that the preachings he had heard would come true. That while you may lack on earth,you will receive much more in heaven.
He died a 55 years old horny man. He was really horny. On his way to heaven, he could only fantasize of how it would be. He would be welcomed by the angels,be shown the most beautiful virgins in heaven...he imagined of massages, of unaldulterated love making,surely if people worked so hard for it on earth,claimed it was sweet,then imagine it in the context of heaven.It would be a heaven within heaven.
He arrived at Heavens gate in quite a jolly mood. St. peter welcomed him, "welcome, i see you are very happy to get here". The man whom we shall call Dick, replied," Ohh yes peter, I cant wait to get in". St Peter Smiled and let him in.
Dick walked with a swagger,he felt like the king..oh yes he did. As he was walking along St. John Gold paved street , he heard a very soft voice singing..the voice held such joy that,Dick could not help but increase his pace towards the singing. He entered a room and found an angel,she was so beautiful. Dicks voice disappeared in his stomach..he just walked towards her ,eyes ablaze,his penis triple the size he got on earth while watching Kenyans in action. He used to pay a hundred for each tribe DVD in sexual action. he liked them as at least they spoke dirty kiswahili..moaned.and screamed. The screams were realistic..as those that he heard from his neighbour's house whenever the wife was not around.
He could almost not believe his luck.God really loved him...A beautiful Virgin on his first day? He went to her,his breath laboured, kissed her,and started fondling her... Mary the Virgin,screamed with horror..Had peter Unknowingly opened the gate for the wrong person??? All the saints came running,screams were unheard of in heaven. Dick was almost raping her. They took Dick off her and enquired what was wrong with him. He explained his case. The Village security committee of St.John street protested, there was no sex in heaven. And Dick requested to be sent to Hell if only for a few days so he could at least have some sex.
In hell he found beautiful ones as well. It was so hot in hell that everyone walked nude there. The fire was always big, the inhabitants of hell were used to the heat. They welcomed Dick and took him for an orientation tour around hell. When they got to where the fire was, there were many beautiful women who were keeping the fire alive. the blew into it and added more firewood. They were bent. And they spoke Swahili. Dick requested that he be allowed to assist them for a while. so Dick seduced the ladies..he had sex with all ,all the time. He was had already left earth where there was HIV...so it was Nyama kwa Nyama.They enjoyed...he enjoyed. He got so into it that he interfered with their work. whenever any bent to add firewood or blow,he got into her from behind. The fire started dying....it started being cold,the inhabitants called their boss (Satan) and demanded that Dick be expelled from hell.
Satan ,with a shaking voice(he was shivering as the fire was out),called St peter and asked that they take Dick back to heaven. Peter refused and Satan threw dick out. He is now suspended between heaven and hell...but none wants him...

I asked my friend the moral of the story and he said...That explains why i quit /refused to be ordained...why miss what is on earth only to miss it in heaven too?
Damn..he made sense.
Dear friend am sorry i told this story..but you will forgive me anyway..how is life treating you...

celibacy (men of cloth and lay men)

It(celibacy) is a word that implies sexual purity(u decide to say bye to the sweetest thing on the face of earth- muslim sucide bombers are promised 50 virgins on arrival to heaven)...it is lower on the scale to virginity(never done it)..How priests(honest ones) do it still beats me. I am for the the catholic priests to remain celibate. It doesnt matter whether they miss sex ,they are human ....but that is a sacrifice they promised the almighty. You dont just wake up and decide to cheat God.They promised to stay celibate,to no one less than God. thats why am scandalised by these priests who want to be catholic priests and throw celibacy through the window.
I do have a celibate male friend,he is not a priest,nor does he have any intentions of becoming one...he just wants to give a present to give his wife!!he is still single,meaning he is searching,he meets many gals,of whom many think he must be queer,some think he only thinks of the church and the bible,i think he is free to do whatever he deems right in his life. I keep praying that he doesnt wait till marriage and then gets a woman whose body was a plaything of many men,that God will protect him from HIV in marriage....na kadhalika in the same line. I admire his sacrifice,but i also know he has managed because he has never tasted....mmmh!he would otherwise have loads of trouble trying the secondary,tertiary and other ...rys virginity fallacies.
Letting him be, the priests want to eat their cake and have it. It is no secret that catholic priesthood and nunhood calls for total abstinence as a way of keeping their bodies pure and avoid the distraction from serving God that is sex. I know that the church has provisions that you can leave priesthood and marry if you unable to cope...As my friend keeps quoting a movie he saw, women are just 72% water,just like men and maybe not worth sacrificing your relationship with God for. These priests should therefore not form splinter churches,they should just resign or join anglican church where they can marry. I think if you promise God ,you should deliver if not sure,just make no promises and our loving father will understand....or they can come for lessons from my friend, although i understand he has every intention be a husband one of these fine days.
Enuff said.

of men and women

Of late there has been a lot of dirty linen washing on public radio in Kenya. Women have time and again stated that kenyan men of today are a weak lot. They say the men are not assertive anymore,that they are not taking responsibilities seriously...that they have ceased from being bread winners and mutated into dependants. One woman told of a story where the power went out,due to a minor short circuiting in the house and the man told the daughter to call her mother( his wife). I am alarmed also by the news that our men have become whipping boys for their women. I am of the opinion that we have, as a society lost any moral,social and cultural fabric. The women pine for men who are like their fathers...they were macho!!!!Men of today are encouraged to let their feminine side show....exhorted to be more metrosexual...to worry if a stray hair appears....By the name that i was given by my mother, the Generation of men( eligible bachelors),we have today,especially in our towns,are women with dicks, pardon the language. They pierce ears,apply make up,wear tight jeans to accentuate their hips, they even walk like women. I submit that ours is a society at cultural crossroads ,one that doesnt have a culture .in in the process of being born. We have been influenced by the west, who by the way view as with absolute scorn....we copy what they do..we even want to be bisexual...i mean it is hip!!!so while our women are empowered,our men are disempowered. women talk of equality, equality that they define as being done favours..they want fifty percent of parliament seats....on a platter,they want to have casual sex,drink more, smoke and woo men. Jehovah!!!i am all for equal opprtunity in education,ownership of property etc..but we have to have clearly defined gender roles. All those learned and enlightened women who announce to all and sundry that they cant cook, just like men are a lost crowd..by the way men can cook!!it is just that it is nice to have a woman who can cook,one who will make you want to go home for a nice meal...After all it is cheaper and less emotionally draining to hire a cook or eat out than to marry..Sex is available to all...either for cash or a few beers or entirely freee. Men dont marry just to have the above.they want a friend a companion,a mother a cook,etc. Women have by all intents made men look bad...they want a man to go with them to the salon,wash the vyombos and all...give men a break. men know that women are intelligent,able and equal....but to have a peaceful coexistence one must submit...unfortunately it is our men who are submitting..contrary to the biblical teachings...
Just some advise to the women who are still searching...search for a man not another woman with the anatomy of a man.
Men have been subjected to subtle discrimination in employment...most adverts have a rider saying," the organisation is an equal...... employer. Female candidates are particularly encouraged to apply". And male ones?can one infer that they are discouraged from applying?...
Empowerment my foot!!Lets level the playing ground and everyone, male or female have an equal chance to excel in all areas.....via merit and not sex considerations. Men please wake up and smell the perfume of ladies whizzing by you while you are trying to be like them....and dont be such wimps!!. AAAhhhhrrrg!!!